I got fish-slapped

A few weeks ago at my Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) meeting the topic of discussion was about how God talks to you in different ways. I forget what the term used was but basically it was how a word or phrase keeps showing up in what we read or the music we listen to or series of seemingly unrelated events happen at certain times in our lives that either answer a question we are pondering or give our life a new direction or focus. This sometimes occurs after praying about a problem or a person or even an important decision and other times it happens right out of the blue for no real explainable reason.

As the discussion went on, I realized that I had a different name for this type of event...I call it a fish-slap. Yes, it is a strange name and yes, I do have a reason for it. Simply, the fish or more importantly, the word fish was an early code word for Christians during the times when it was unsafe to openly practice the religion. The fish is used quite frequently in the Bible in stories and phrases. The fish also has the ability to actually slap you under certain circumstances, like if you hold one in your hands or are trying to put one in the net. I could go on but I think you get my very strange point. I associate the fish with a message from God. No, I don't actually hear fish speak so no calling the guys in the white jackets.

Anyway, getting back to my story. This past week Matthew had his Tae Kwan Do test for his yellow belt. I won't go into detail about the events, all I will say is that the combination of Autism, nerves, anxiety, and frustration over not being able to break a board did not make for a good testing experience. When it was all over, Matthew was in tears and I was left stunned and numbed by the chain of events that led up to the test's end. My heart broke as I hugged him afterwards and he turned his little tear-filled face to me and said "I tried my best". I had no words of comfort for him, no good explanation, no good anything. I could only hug him and tell him I loved him.

One of the truly wonderful things about Matthew is his cheerful and happy spirit. He also has a very short attention span/memory of events so by the end of the evening, the only thing Matthew could talk about was waiting 2 weeks and then getting his yellow belt. He did tell the loving husband that yes, he wanted to keep doing Tae Kwan Do.

While Matthew may have been quick to bounce back, I sure wasn't. The conflict of emotions going though me was huge. I was hurt and angry, still reeling from what had happened and totally unsure as to what to do about it. If this had been any other place and test, things would have been so much more simple...take the kid, walk away, never look back. The parent in me wanted to do just that. The mother in me wanted to go completely "mamma bear" and storm back in and vent my displeasure and rip someone to shreds. The black belt part of me wanted to sort things out and look at the situation objectively from a martial arts point of view. The rest of me wanted to just go home.

I would like to point out that the fact Matthew did not pass his test is not the reason for my distress. In all fairness, Matthew did not pass the test for the same reasons any other child would not pass a belt test. One of the things a child needs to experience in life is failure. As a parent, I can not get mad at the world just because I don't want to see my child fail at something or experience the pain of that failure. My job is to be there for support and guidance and to catch him when he falls so the landing doesn't hurt as much. It is a job that I take very seriously.

It is also my job as a parent to watch over my child and keep him out of harm's way. As a mother of a special needs child this gets to be a huge job, both physically and mentally. Watching the outcome of the test left me helpless and frustrated. I felt like I had somehow failed my child and put him in a no-win situation. I really did not know what to do.

I spent the next few days wondering and worrying and fussing and fretting about and blaming myself for what had happened. I really had a hard time separating my thoughts from my emotions. The biggest thing I wondered was whether or not I was being too overly sensitive of a parent. Was I blowing things out of proportion or was I justified in my feelings? What exactly was it that I was so upset about and why? I did have several discussions with the loving husband about these things. It was difficult at times to do so since he too was sorting though his emotions and feelings. The conclusion I finally came to was that I was upset at the way Matthew was treated at the end of testing. I was disappointed that those in charge of testing didn't take into consideration that Matthew has a disability and what they saw was in fact the best that Matthew was able to give that night. I had really hoped the testers could see Matthew for the unique person he is and judge him on what he can do instead of what it is he struggles with.

The hardest part of sorting through everything was staying away from the computer. I wanted so much to e-mail, blog, or post on Facebook. I wanted to spew and vent and name call. Oh it would be soo easy to hop on and spin my tale of woe. A few mouse clicks, a couple of hours of typing and presto..instant therapy. However, that would be breaking my first rule of blogging which of course is to never post anything hurtful or negative in spirit about anyone. Same goes for the Facebook. There was only one place I turn to to get things sorted out and that is where my fish-slap comes into place.

Last night as I was having my nightly discussion with God (Ok, I only call it prayer if I'm kneeling on my knees with hands folded) I asked Him what to do. I really wanted to move on and let everything go but I just couldn't let my self take that first step. This morning I decided to take advantage of a few free minutes and check my Facebook page. I happened to like a post that one of my friends posted and I noticed that he used an application that gives out random sayings. I decided that I too wanted to try it and get a random post so I clicked on the application to get my random saying. This is what I got...... We can't do anything about the past to make the present better. What's done is done. But we can always do something in the present to make it better...

SLAP!!!! Guess I got my answer. I can't un-do last Thursday so being mad isn't gonna help things out at all. However, I can use that experience as a teachable moment and work with Matthew to help him avoid a repeat performance.

Thanks GOD:)