20 years ago

The year is 1989 and I'm a junior in High School working at Hardee's in the Rushmore Mall. I took this job to make money for a band trip and also to save up for college. I enjoy my job and for the most part all the people I have to work with. Sometime during either the winter or spring Hardee's hires this new employee named James. He's a college student at School of Mines and Technology and has worked for Hardee's before in his hometown of Yankton. He's hard working and knows his stuff. He is also funny and fun to be around. I really enjoy working shifts with this guy. Of course I'm a very busy person with my classes, band activities, friends, and the on again/off again boyfriend from the other side of town so no romantic workplace thoughts are going on.

Fast forward to my senior year. I have broken up with the boyfriend and am enjoying the single life. I'm excited to be done with school and am trying to decide which college I want to attend. I've got a great group of friends so when I'm not working, I'm doing slumber parties or Perkins with them. James, the college student, works nights and weekends due to his class schedule so we often work at the same time. He has also been promoted to management so on nights when I am scheduled to close, he is usually the closing manager.

It is also during this time I start talking to James more and more. He is an incredible listener and so much more mature than any of the guys I know in school. When the weather is nice, I follow him after work back to his apartment at the fraternity house he is living at and we go for a walk around the neighborhood. The more time I spend with James, the more I start to really like him. For the record, the area he lived in while a little run down was much safer than any neighborhoods near the mall so it was worth the drive. On those nights we didn't walk, we just sat in his room talking. Really, that's all we did, it was a frat house and there were always curious people wanting to stop by to say hi. That's why we did the walks.

As time passed, we began to spend more and more time together. We both really liked spending time with each other and just hanging out. We began to find more and more ways to see each other. Sometimes it was the walks, other times it was going with a bunch of his friends to a movie. It really felt like we were dating....except we weren't officially a couple.

Valentines Day 1990. I get a rose from James along with a very nice poem. I'm touched that he went out of his way to get me something (yes, I hate the holiday but I didn't want to spoil his moment). We have reached a point where the relationship is on the verge of getting serious. The only problem is, neither of us is willing to make the first step.

February 16, 1990. I'm sicker than a dog, my body is aching all over and my head wants to explode. If it wasn't for the band competition that day I would have stayed home in bed. The night before James and I had gotten into a disagreement about our relationship and what exactly we were to each other. Nothing major, but no resolution. I decide to go over and see James during one of the breaks we have in this competition. He lives near the school so it isn't too far away. Before I leave, I tell my best friends that at the end of the day I'm either going to have a boyfriend or we're going to break it off.

I head on over to the apartment and find James there. We continue our discussion from the night before. We both want the same thing, to be a couple, but I being young and naive, want him to actually ASK me to be his girlfriend and he being a male and older, assumes that because we are exclusive to each other that means we are a couple and there is no need to ask. After much discussion. I convince him to ask me formally to be his girlfriend and we hug each other and I leave very happy. I go back and tell all my friends that I officially have a boyfriend.

I'm on cloud nine and want to tell the whole world but other than my friends, the relationship needs to be kept a secret. Why?? Well first there is the age difference. James is 21, a college student, and lives in a fraternity house off campus. I'm 17, still in high school, and live at home with my parents. Something tells me they would not be as delighted with this news as I am. The other reason has to do with work. Even though it's before any laws have been passed, it is well known that management can not date employees that are not management. Managers can date managers and employees can date employees but that's about it. If there is a dating relationship present, then the couple is usually given shifts at different times so there is very little togetherness during working hours. Our relationship is suspicious but we have both denied dating each other so unless one of us confesses, our secret is safe. As a funny side note: just about every mall employee who knows us knows we are a couple. I guess it's just all that hanging out with each other we do in our off hours at the mall that gives it away. Even funnier is the fact they all assume Hardee's knows.

So have you guessed the reason for this post yet? Yep that's right, the James I was writing about is none other than the loving husband. Twenty years ago today we started dating. My parents officially found out about us a few days after my 18th birthday. I broke my foot and James came over and visited me every day. I'm pretty sure they already knew about him before but I'm so glad they never said anything to me about it. As for work....well it wasn't until after I left for college that I let things slip about the relationship. As expected, management went nuts over it. My manager was royally ticked off and the assistant manager took it personally that we never told her we were dating. We had denied the relationship before we "officially" started dating so there was no lying on our part. I came back to work over my Christmas vacation but as expected, I didn't get much work time with James and of course no closes together.

I still can't believe 20 yeas have passed since that day. A lot has changed since then. I am now married to my fellow employee and we have 3 adorable children. My parents like James and think he is a great husband and father. The mall store closed a few years back and I'm not sure what is in it's place. Over the years I have lost contact with the manager and assistant manager who worked with us but I'm sure they read our engagement and marriage announcements in the local paper.

One thing still hasn't changed in all those years and that is the feelings I have towards James. Ok, maybe they have changed a little but it's only because I keep on loving him more and more each day that passes. Happy 20 year dating anniversary sweetie-pie. I still love you and always will.

V-Day post

This Sunday marks the arrival of my least favorite of all holidays, Valentines Day. For those who know me, I take particular delight in hating this day. In my humble opinion it is nothing more than a made up holiday invented by the greeting card industry to make up for the lag in sales between Christmas and Mother's Day. The fact the florists, candy companies, and jewelry stores cash in too only deepens my dislike. Seriously, does it really have to cost buttloads of money to tell your significant someone you love them??? Doesn't a simple "I love you" followed up with a big hug and kiss work on that day?

It's Ok for me to be anti-V Day but I'd rather not quash the fun for the kids. Carolyn of course loves pink and hearts so naturally, a holiday that is full of pink, hearts, and candy tops her list of favorite holidays. Matthew just likes the idea of having a classroom party and Andrew is still clueless. Yes, the schools still have parties and kids still pass out those dippy meaningless paper valentines to everyone in the class. Unlike poor Charlie Brown, everyone gets a valentine and the trend now is to pair said valentines with some sort of candy treat or sticker or tattoo. Really, I'm not making it up, the majority of boxed valentines come with either a candy treat or tattoo, with a smaller number having some sort of sticker, usually glow in the dark.

Last weekend I took Matthew and Carolyn with me to Wal-mart to buy valentines for their parties. Carolyn wanted ones with cute kitties and puppies on them and I wanted Matthew to pick his own out so he wouldn't complain if I bought ones he did not like. I was actually afraid that since I was looking the first week in February everything would be picked over. After all, Valentines stuff started showing up Dec 26 so folks had lots of time to buy. Never fear, they still had a nice selection. Both Carolyn and I spotted some adorable kitten and puppy valentines and I saw a box with Spiderman on it but Matthew decided on doing G-Force instead. G-Force was the movie with Guinea pigs in it for those who don't know. I also snabbed some 3-D valentines with a sports ball theme for Andrew to take. Matthew's valentines had glow in the dark stickers to go with them and Carolyn's had sweet tarts. Andrew's were just cool to look at. I also bought three boxes of candy for the kids to take to their teachers. I'm sure at $1 a box those poor teachers got tons of them from well meaning parents but the kids loved the idea.

It wasn't until I got home and actually looked at Carolyn's box of valentines that I realized what it was I bought. In small writing on the top was the word inspirational. The sample cards on the front were pretty typical in wording so at first glance nothing seemed out of order. It was the second two cards in the box that caught my attention. One of them was a cute dachshund and said God loves you and the second one had an adorable kitten and said God made you special. The verse God is Love from 1 John 4:8 (New Living Translation) was also printed on the back of all four designs. I started giggling and got this happy feeling as I pictured Carolyn handing out these valentines to her classmates. Nothing like defying that whole separation of Church and State thing and bringing religion into the public schools. Ok ACLU, go ahead and sue me because my 5 year old handed some kids in her classroom valentine cards with "God loves you" on them. Yes, I sent them to school with her, and no, I did not separate the non-religious ones out. I simply turned then over and signed her name to 11 of them and stuffed a sweet tart in the front and put them in her backpack.

I got to thinking about those little valentines and how they relate to the holiday. I hate the day simply because it is not about love, it's about how much money we can spend to impress the person we claim to be in love with. Romance has gotten so overblown that it is not enough to tell your someone you love them , you have to go into debt showing them too. I guess that will be my opinion as long as I have to put up with this holiday and all the hype surrounding it.

The cards I sent to school with Carolyn were simple in their message....God loves. Taking that message I realize that on Valentines Day I have someone who loves me unconditionally and without strings. I don't have to buy Him anything nor do I have to live up to the unrealistic expectations of the day in order to receive His love. Best of all, that love is all day every day, all year every year regardless of what the holiday is.

I Still hate Valentine's Day!!!

Happy Birthday Matthew

Wow, 7 years! I'm still not believing it that my little boy is that old. I still picture him as a chubby toddler with a pacifier in his mouth running half-naked through the house smacking his baby sister every chance he'd get. Well, Ok, except for the pacifier and the half-naked part he does still run through the house smacking his sister every chance he gets. I'm amazed at his happy positive attitude (except when he's not getting his way) and how much fun he is to be around. He is well liked by his teachers and therapists at school. He is liked by his classmates...he still struggles to have close friendships with them but he is social and interacts with everyone, and those that know him comment on how much they like seeing him. He just makes people smile.

Seven years ago when he was born I had no idea how much he would have to overcome to get to this point. Every day I am amazed at how much he tries to do and how much he has learned in such a short amount of time. There are some things he probably will never be very good at like sports or singing ( sorry kiddo) but he is amazingly smart in other areas like reading and has a fantastic memory so at least he's got something to fall back on.

Three years ago when I was struggling with his diagnosis and all the difficulties associated with it I blamed myself and my poor parenting skills, I wondered what I did wrong, and what could I have done differently to prevent this. The truth is there is nothing I could have done to prevent his disability but there was a lot that I did to prevent it from getting worse.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past seven years and I have Matthew to thank for it. I have much more understanding and compassion for others than I ever did. I appreciate the little things in life a lot more and take time to celebrate them. I look for the humor in things, even if it is a little on the dark side. Most of all, I don't take things for granted. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have such a wonderful son. God did not give me the child I wanted, but He did give me the child He wanted me to have.

Happy Birthday Matthew.

What a difference 3 years makes

This morning I sat in yet another Matthew meeting. Over the years I have gotten quite used to sitting through Matthew meetings. Some are casual and some are more formal and I've lost count of how many I have sat through in the past 5 years but it has been a lot.

The thing about being in the special education part of the system is that the school is required by law to meet and update whatever educational plan the student is on. These meetings occur every year. When a student is transitioning from one grade to another then a meeting is needed to discuss the next years goals and fill the new teacher in on the educational plan (IEP). This is in addition to the quarterly conferences with the teachers. This usually averages out to two major meetings and two conferences per school year barring any additional testing or screenings done by the district. If any testing is done by the school district then of course a meeting is set up to discuss the results and decide what action(s) to take or not to take. The district is also required to re-evaluate a student every three years to record progress made and re-evaluate the programs and services used by the student to see if they are still needed or if new accommodations need to be made.

This year marked the 3 year anniversary of Matthew's Autism testing so this past month he was re-tested and re-evaluated. He was given many of the same tests he was back when he was 3, the main difference is that the tests used this time around were for elementary age instead of preschool. I was given the forms to fill out as was Matthew's teacher and he was pulled out of class by the PT, OT, Speech teacher, Autism consultant, Special Ed. teacher, School Psychologist, and his Adaptive PE teacher for the various tests and evaluations. It was a very thorough process. After the scores were tallied up and the many reports were written, I was given copies of everything and the various professionals explained to me during the meeting what all the numbers meant.

Flashback 3 years and I was sitting in a chair staring at the pages in front of me numb with disbelief at just how delayed and behind Matthew was in comparison to other children his age. I had sat through a similar meeting the school year before when Matthew transitioned from Birth to 3 into the Early Childhood program and got a sneak peek at how far behind Matthew was but that was just using one evaluation scale, not the multiple tests that are used in the more formal Autism evaluation. Every person in the room, while kind, could only tell me how far behind in this category or that category Matthew fell in relation to others his age and that he would qualify for this or that service. I still remember the heart piercing moment when I was told that yes, Matthew met the criteria for the Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. It was and still remains my most awful meeting ever. I left the building practically in tears and convinced my child was never going to be "normal" again.

Well a lot has changed in the three years since that meeting. Having a diagnosis of Autism, while painful, actually helped Matthew. I know it sounds strange but it is true. Before we referred Matthew for services, we assumed his behavior was that of a normal child. Once we started getting services for his speech and language (through Birth to 3), we entered the school system. I had no idea that school districts were responsible for educating a child once he or she turns 3 if there is a qualifying test score to indicate he or she has some sort of disability. It was the preschool teacher who was the one to point out that there was something more serious than just developmental delays and she was the one to ask if the school could do the Autism evaluation. After the diagnosis, Matthew qualified for ABA therapy which is considered the gold standard of therapies. I will give Brandon Valley credit, because the Autism Consultant they have is absolutely wonderful and has been a huge resource for me both in support and in advice. She also has an awesome working relationship with all of Matthew's teachers and therapists so everyone is on the same page. I may groan at all the meetings I have to attend but they do serve a purpose and I am kept aware of Matthew's progress and given every opportunity to offer my input and feedback. Over the years, this kid has had a lot of various goals to meet.

I'm not lying when I say some of those earlier meetings and parent-teacher conferences were about as pleasant to attend as a funeral and many times I left feeling overwhelmed at all the goals to be met, there were so many things that needed to be worked on. I had reports from the teacher and the OT, and PT, speech and Autism consultant. Thankfully, Matthew was not impaired academically and he also has a willingness to please so he was able to make progress on most of the areas he was delayed in. Once again, thanks to the ASD diagnosis, Matthew was able to get the help and support to learn those things in a supportive and caring educational environment. We also looked outside the school system and paid for (out of pocket) extra ABA therapy that was done at home. Due to the expense, we only did 4-6 hours per week but that extra really really helped. Matthew had reached a point where his preschool teacher was doubtful he could be mainstreamed due to his behaviors and the extra therapy along with medication made a HUGE difference and he was able to transition to regular Kindergarten with a shared aid to help him. The meetings also kept getting better for me too. Last year was the first time I went to a conference and did not have a laundry list of things needing to be worked on. The IEP meeting and transition to 1st grade meetings also went well and the laundry list of goals kept getting shorter and shorter.

Because of the three year timeline, the school retested him this past month. Of course Mother Nature was oh so helpful and due to all the snow days the poor kid was yanked out of class on a regular basis by all sorts of teachers and therapists who were desperate to get things done by the deadline. They did tell me in the meeting that Matthew handled all the pull-outs quite well. He was mentioning to me these past few weeks that he had to take a lot of tests...poor kid.

The meeting itself was a long one, almost 90 minutes but that was to be expected since Matthew has a lot of people on his IEP. The Psychologist did most of the talking for the first part of the meeting. He translated the test scores from numbers to English. Most of it was the Autism testing and IQ testing along with various specific area tests. What showed up was that Matthew for the most part is either average or above average in intelligence, Reading skills, and Math skills. He is still impaired in the social skill area but not as much as he was three years ago. I actually scored him higher on the Autism scales than his classroom teacher did. Of course she only sees him in the classroom setting which is very structured and I see him at home and out in public which is much more unstructured. He also scored well in his Adaptive PE, and PT tests. He had met all those goals last school year but both the PT and the teacher wanted to keep him this year and fine tune a few things. Matthew now does not qualify for those services. Much to my surprise, he also performed well enough on the OT tests that he does not need her either. His handwriting is still poor and his pencil grip is horrendous but both are workable and fixable. His speech teacher is very pleased with Matthew's progress and really enjoys working with him. She told the group that Matthew has been the most favorite student she has worked with so far (warm fuzzy feeling here). He will still need the speech and the Autism consultant for the ABA stuff but she now just pops into class to check on hm as opposed to pulling him out 45 minutes per week for therapy. Matthew also doesn't need to have speech this summer so he is now not needing the extended school year services.

When the meeting finally got over, I was both happy and relieved. I am truly amazed at how far Mathew has come in just a few short years. Three years ago Matthew could barely say his name and threw monster tantrums lasting anywhere from 20-45 minutes and requiring some sort of physical intervention. He was delayed in almost every area and required lots and lots of supervision and support. Today, he can sit in class by himself and work independently. He still gets mad and out of sorts but it only takes a few minutes an a few re-directs to get him back on task. He received high grades on his report card and is in the highest level of reading for his grade. He also got high remarks from all the staff on his wonderful attitude and willingness to work hard. I"m a bit biased but I do agree that he really does have a sweet disposition. Unlike the meeting three years ago when I walked out feeling hopeless and lost, I happily walked out of this one and cheerfully made my way home to share the information with the loving husband.

Yeah Matthew!!!

Conferences and 3 year review

Today was conference day. Or I should say conferences day. Since I have 3 children in the school system of course it would make sense I have 3 conferences to attend. Originally, Carolyn's and Andrew's conferences were scheduled for afternoon times but I had Matthew's 3 year evaluation meeting scheduled for 7:45 this morning and the loving husband playing babysitter I decided to move things around a bit and try and get everything done in the morning.

My first conference was with Carolyn's teacher at 7:30. That one went very well. Carolyn is doing great in class and there have been few problems with her behaviors or academic skills. The teacher was very pleased to inform me that Carolyn's scissors skills have greatly improved and she is able to hold the scissors correctly and cut shapes that actually look like the shape and not a shredded mess. Her handwriting is also getting to the point I can recognize the letters in her name and she is starting to press harder when she writes. As for social skills, Carolyn is very social in class and gets along with the other kids very well. She is friends with the other girls and they are very encouraging and helpful.

My next meeting was the three year review for Matthew. I was a few minutes late to that meeting due to my conference with Carolyn's teacher. Fortunately it was the same building so I only had to change rooms. That was the long meeting of the day, lasting about 90 minutes or so. I'll go into detail later on that meeting.

My last conference was with Andrew's teacher. Carolyn had this teacher for the two years she was in the early childhood program so this was someone I was very familiar with. So far Andrew has made the adjustment from at home toddler to pre-schooler. His tantrums in class have decreased in the past few weeks and he loves being a helper whenever he can. He still has issues with transitions from different stations and is not very fond of going to speech. As expected his counting and alphabet skills are above average and the staff use counting and letters as a calming method when Andrew gets upset. It was also mentioned that Andrew's singing and dancing skills inspire the other kids to move and grove when a certain number song is sung or played on the radio. He has improved socially from only wanting to play by himself to parallel play next to other kids and at times will play with one or two other boys and has shown empathy skills towards his classmates. He will qualify for the summer session so I'll have another meeting to discuss summer goals later this spring.

Overall, it was a long and informative morning. The good news was almost everything said about the kids was positive. There are still some things they need to work on and I've got more stuff to work on at home with everyone but compared to some of the conferences and meetings I've sat through in the past 4 years or so, I'll take today.